It's been 4 months and 2 days since I was diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty live disease. Since then my life has changed in so many ways.
When I first got the diagnosis I was in denial. How could I have liver disease? I'm 29 and while I do come from a family of alcoholic, I don't drink. Ever. I broke the cycle. The irony is something that crosses my mind every single day. The first thing I did after getting my diagnosis was eat 1/2 a box of peanut butter cookies. Why not? The doctors had to be wrong. There was no way I really had liver disease.
I got my diagnosis on a Thursday. That weekend I slowly came to terms with how this happened and what it meant for my future. It took much longer to really understand what this meant for my life.
The first week I was grieving. There is no other way to explain the array of emotions I felt. My doctor had basically told me to change my entire life style or die. While some people would just say 'ok, so make the change', if you've lived through something like this you know it is not that easy.
Before I go further let me tell you a little about me. I am a 29 year old comic geek/pre-school teacher. That's me in a nutshell. And while I don't drink I do have a tendency to stress eat. Bad day? Get the Oreos. Stressed out? Time for donuts. Like any other vice it's a crutch and to suddenly be told that your crutch can kill you is devastating.
By the second day I already knew that no matter how painful I needed to find a way to change my life. I didn't want to die. And if I messed up my liver and needed a transplant it would just be my luck to have my biological father be my only match and then I'd have to talk to him. Not a risk I was willing to take...but that's a story for another day.
And so the last four months have been a constant struggle. The first 2 weeks I was so hungry all the time. Turns out when you eat all the time your body comes to expect it. When you start eating normal your body thinks you're still hungry. It was a very painful 2 weeks.
Once the initial hunger passed it was a matter of dealing with stress in new ways. This is one I still struggle with. I haven't actually found an outlet that is as effective as eating was but I continue to try different things in hopes I will find my new, healthy outlet soon. I had hoped working out would do the trick, and while I have started working out I find it's just one more part of my work day I dread.
The first hard part I had was one week after I was diagnosed. I was working a 'parent's night out' at work and the daycare had ordered Pizza Hut pizza for the kids for dinner. I had to serve my favorite food to a group of toddlers. I had to touch it, tear it into bite size pieces, and smell it all without taking a bite. It was hard. Very hard...but I didn't eat it. I made myself a promise that night, when I lost my 1st 50 pounds I would treat myself to Pizza Hut.
Eating was a bit of trial and error. Most of this was because I know this isn't a new diet. It's a new lifestyle. I had to come up with a way I could handle eating for the rest of my life. Some of my initial attempts quickly had to be changed because I knew I couldn't see myself doing it forever. After a lot of different tries I'm on a food plan that mostly works. I am still tweeking it. I start the day with an Atkins bar for breakfast, another for lunch (mostly because they are easy to eat on the go and with my commute for work I don't have time to sit and eat). I drink water all day long. If I want a snack I eat a fruit of some kind. For dinner I eat a turkey patty with a salad and a glass of juice. If I need dessert or something sweet I go for ONE sugar free cookie. I eat plenty. No more hunger pains. I also eat healthy.
I'm not perfect. I slip up. One day I was dying for a hamburger and I got one with a small fries. Not a healthy choice and I felt guilty afterwards. My slip ups are few but they happen. No one is perfect. The important thing when this happens is to take it as a one off and get back to eating healthy with the next meal.
Between my new eating habits and working out I have, as of today, lost 50 pounds. That is 1/3 of the weight I was told by my doctor to lose. It's a great feeling but it's been a long road.
That's really why I started this blog. I know other people out there are facing this disease or other similar situations. I want those people to know they are not alone. It's ok to be depressed and discouraged...but life is worth fighting for and you can do it.
From here on in I'll try to update at least once a month with my progress and stories of life with liver disease. I also hope to hear stories from others as time goes on.
For now I just take it one day at a time. And tomorrow I get Pizza Hut for the first time since I got sick. I'm very excited and feel like I've earned it. My hard work and desire to live has paid off so far. I look forward to seeing what happens next and I hope you'll take this journey with me.
XOXO,
Cilla
